Marriage is a lot like the relationship we have with our cars, in particular the tires on a vehicle. For example, you can purchase tires with a promise to give you 100,000 miles, which is virtually a lifetime for a car. So our expectation is that they will last forever, but we have a responsibility to take care of the tires, to rotate them, to have them aligned, to avoid things that will damage them, like under inflation and road hazards. Each of these things constitutes neglect or intentional harm, and will take years from the expected life of the tire. Your mechanic may warn you along the way that you need to take care in order to salvage them. But if you continue to ignore the warning signs, even when you’re told that the neglect will lead to the breakdown of the tire, then you cannot be mad at the tire or your mechanic when the tire finally fails. At first, you may kick and scream at the tire, hoping that this will help. You’ll quickly realize that this tactic will only further diminish the relationship. Then you’ll take it to your mechanic, at which point you might profess your love for the tire for the many years of loyalty and faithfulness the tire and your mechanic have shown in spite of your neglect. You’ll beg your mechanic to repair the tire, you’ll promise to be better this time. But it is to no avail, because the tire is beyond repair. Hopefully, you will learn to treat your next set of tires better and they will last a lifetime. Sometimes, the tire fails due to no fault of our own, we simply hit a bump in the road. These bumps might cause some damage, but when handled proactively, many of the issues can be safely restored or repaired by simply following up with some emergency care. Sadly, most people will choose to ignore these simple bumps in the road and they might blame the tire instead of taking responsibility for their own neglect. They will say that the tire wasn’t as strong as it should be to handle the road hazards without assistance or care. But your mechanic is well aware of the neglect, because the tire’s wounds are outwardly visible. The wounds in marriage are often not physically visible. It is a series of life’s bumps that have been carelessly ignored. Sometimes, a spouse mistreats another, physically or by breaking trust with infidelity and other betrayals. Often times, there are warnings that we choose to ignore and then blame our spouse for finally breaking under the years of neglect. “But you promised to stay with me forever”… they may say…. And you’ll feel guilty for your failure to live up to that expectation. You may even choose to try and repair the marriage in spite of the hopelessness of the situation. You may even try to salvage it by changing yourself and hoping that it will change your spouse. You may disappear into a world of pain and disrepair because you were not worth the trouble or because you believe that it is your fault. Maybe as your parts grew older and some of the sheen wore off, you seemed less attractive. Maybe this is what you were told for the reasons they chose to neglect or destroy the relationship with an act of infidelity or for breaking trust. But then, you will look at the tread that is worn to nothing because they cheated, lied, betrayed and then neglected to work on repairing the damage that they created, and you will accept the reality of what may not be physically visible, but is damaged none the less. The expectation of marriage is that it will last forever. But we each have a responsibility to care for it. Unlike your vehicle, marriage doesn’t come with an owner’s manual. But there are core beliefs and values that each person promises when they vow to love another forever. If these values are carefully followed, the marriage can survive. When one person chooses to deviate from these core values, they do so knowing that they are risking the very foundation of their marriage. Some marriages do survive and these couples are to be commended, but many cannot. For those individuals who are unable to accept the marriage after the vows are broken, they may feel guilty, weak, ashamed, broken and like a failure. They may feel incapable of promising anyone else that they can love them forever. They may have trouble trusting that the type of love they believe in actually exists. They will doubt themselves and their expectations for what love and marriage truly are. They may feel undeserving because they failed to live up to their expectations in their first marriage. They may question whether they are selfish because they didn’t sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their children. Tires, unlike people, physically break and show their damage outwardly. Because people break on the inside, it isn’t easy to see the damage that another human, in particular, a spouse can cause. Therefore, it is much easier for the person who has caused the damage to demand that we live forever in the turmoil and pain that we feel from what has happened - because the only reason anyone could possibly demand this - is because they can’t see the damage that it has caused to the core of the person they have injured.
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