Today at the gym I saw a woman who was obviously anorexic. She wasn't only thin, but emaciated. You could see that there was a mere layer of skin over her arms and legs -the muscle wasted away. I couldn't help staring as she wearily climbed up onto the elyptical machine next to mine. At that point I started thinking about how bars are responsible for limiting alcohol or taking the keys away from a potential drunk driver, but that a gym can give assistance to a woman clearly close to killing herself. Now, I understand that this is unrealistic for several reasons. but the thought still crossed my mind. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I know the argument against such a policy.
People with eating disorders cannot be logically convinced that something is wrong or that they are going too far. Instead, they realize that they are slowly killing themselves, but they can't stop. In my case, I started as a coping mechanism to numb myself. I didn't even realize it at the time, but as I got further into this world, I didn't care about anything else. My only goal was to watch the scale slowly decline. My entire day and how I felt were relative to the number on the scale and whether it had gone down or not. I was obsessed. I didn't care about how disconnected I was from my kids or friends and family. I was too hungry, numb, and obsessed to care. I was terrified of gaining an ounce. When I finally reached my low point, the same people who had told me how wonderful I looked as I lost the weight were suddenly making comments that I had gone too far- I was too thin. But instead of logically convincing me that I had gone too far, they only made me feel like I was reaching my goal. I was thin. So thin that others thought I was too thin. And in our world obsessed with an obesity epidemic, Iknew that it was more acceptable to be too thin than a few pound overweight. My issue with control did play a part in my eating disorder, but not in the way that most people think. Until I was 30, I had never thought twice about my weight. I had never been on a diet or counted a calorie. I was happy!!! My happiness with my body had nothing to do with my size, but that all stopped as I was faced with the most difficult part of my life. As I lost weight, people commented on how great I looked. I began to realize that I was an overeater. I could eat a box of girl scout cookies or a whole pizza at one time. I had never tried to control myself. If I wanted it, I ate it. So then my eating disorder became the thing which helped me control that. And I was, and still am terrified of letting go of that control because I know that I won't be able to stop. And this time, the difference will be that I know I'm getting bigger. And that thought terrifies me! I know that I will never be the same. I will never be able to eat again without silently counting the calories in my head, thinking about how many calories I had already eaten, how long I still have to go before I go to sleep and how many more calories I will have to avoid. This is reality when living with an eating disorder. I will never enjoy food again. It will always be an evil that tempts me. I hate that! But no matter how much I hate it, I can't change. I refuse to change. That's why banning obviously anorexic people from the gym wouldn't work. They'd just find a way to do it somewhere else.
The other reason a poicy wouldn't work is because anorexics and indivduals with eating disorders are ingenious at covering it up. They would wear long pants and long sleeve shirts to hide under. If there were a required weigh in, they would drink water before going and wear weights on their ankles under their pants. There is no way to stop an anorexic from killing themselves. It is self motivated! The media doesn't cause eating disorders, they just give us the incentive and justification for our method of coping. We choose to look at models and others that the media depicts as beautiful to determine how close we are to perfection. And if we have surpassed their thinness, we are proud because being thinner means that we have accomplished something that few people can.
I still struggle with food and can't imagine a day that I won't. That makes me sad, but it is my reality. I am at a healthy weight now, but I struggle with that daily. When I got to my car today, after I finished working out, I cried. I wouldn't wish this for anyone and I know that the smaller the indivdual, the more pain they are avoiding. And I felt helpless, knowing that there was nothing I could do or say to change her chosen course. She would have to do that on her own.

The Relationship Between Tires and Marriage

Marriage is a lot like the relationship we have with our cars, in particular the tires on a vehicle. For example, you can purchase tires with a promise to give you 100,000 miles, which is virtually a lifetime for a car. So our expectation is that they will last forever, but we have a responsibility to take care of the tires, to rotate them, to have them aligned, to avoid things that will damage them, like under inflation and road hazards. Each of these things constitutes neglect or intentional harm, and will take years from the expected life of the tire. Your mechanic may warn you along the way that you need to take care in order to salvage them. But if you continue to ignore the warning signs, even when you’re told that the neglect will lead to the breakdown of the tire, then you cannot be mad at the tire or your mechanic when the tire finally fails. At first, you may kick and scream at the tire, hoping that this will help. You’ll quickly realize that this tactic will only further diminish the relationship. Then you’ll take it to your mechanic, at which point you might profess your love for the tire for the many years of loyalty and faithfulness the tire and your mechanic have shown in spite of your neglect. You’ll beg your mechanic to repair the tire, you’ll promise to be better this time. But it is to no avail, because the tire is beyond repair. Hopefully, you will learn to treat your next set of tires better and they will last a lifetime. Sometimes, the tire fails due to no fault of our own, we simply hit a bump in the road. These bumps might cause some damage, but when handled proactively, many of the issues can be safely restored or repaired by simply following up with some emergency care. Sadly, most people will choose to ignore these simple bumps in the road and they might blame the tire instead of taking responsibility for their own neglect. They will say that the tire wasn’t as strong as it should be to handle the road hazards without assistance or care. But your mechanic is well aware of the neglect, because the tire’s wounds are outwardly visible. The wounds in marriage are often not physically visible. It is a series of life’s bumps that have been carelessly ignored. Sometimes, a spouse mistreats another, physically or by breaking trust with infidelity and other betrayals. Often times, there are warnings that we choose to ignore and then blame our spouse for finally breaking under the years of neglect. “But you promised to stay with me forever”… they may say…. And you’ll feel guilty for your failure to live up to that expectation. You may even choose to try and repair the marriage in spite of the hopelessness of the situation. You may even try to salvage it by changing yourself and hoping that it will change your spouse. You may disappear into a world of pain and disrepair because you were not worth the trouble or because you believe that it is your fault. Maybe as your parts grew older and some of the sheen wore off, you seemed less attractive. Maybe this is what you were told for the reasons they chose to neglect or destroy the relationship with an act of infidelity or for breaking trust. But then, you will look at the tread that is worn to nothing because they cheated, lied, betrayed and then neglected to work on repairing the damage that they created, and you will accept the reality of what may not be physically visible, but is damaged none the less. The expectation of marriage is that it will last forever. But we each have a responsibility to care for it. Unlike your vehicle, marriage doesn’t come with an owner’s manual. But there are core beliefs and values that each person promises when they vow to love another forever. If these values are carefully followed, the marriage can survive. When one person chooses to deviate from these core values, they do so knowing that they are risking the very foundation of their marriage. Some marriages do survive and these couples are to be commended, but many cannot. For those individuals who are unable to accept the marriage after the vows are broken, they may feel guilty, weak, ashamed, broken and like a failure. They may feel incapable of promising anyone else that they can love them forever. They may have trouble trusting that the type of love they believe in actually exists. They will doubt themselves and their expectations for what love and marriage truly are. They may feel undeserving because they failed to live up to their expectations in their first marriage. They may question whether they are selfish because they didn’t sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their children. Tires, unlike people, physically break and show their damage outwardly. Because people break on the inside, it isn’t easy to see the damage that another human, in particular, a spouse can cause. Therefore, it is much easier for the person who has caused the damage to demand that we live forever in the turmoil and pain that we feel from what has happened - because the only reason anyone could possibly demand this - is because they can’t see the damage that it has caused to the core of the person they have injured.