Today at the gym I saw a woman who was obviously anorexic. She wasn't only thin, but emaciated. You could see that there was a mere layer of skin over her arms and legs -the muscle wasted away. I couldn't help staring as she wearily climbed up onto the elyptical machine next to mine. At that point I started thinking about how bars are responsible for limiting alcohol or taking the keys away from a potential drunk driver, but that a gym can give assistance to a woman clearly close to killing herself. Now, I understand that this is unrealistic for several reasons. but the thought still crossed my mind. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I know the argument against such a policy.
People with eating disorders cannot be logically convinced that something is wrong or that they are going too far. Instead, they realize that they are slowly killing themselves, but they can't stop. In my case, I started as a coping mechanism to numb myself. I didn't even realize it at the time, but as I got further into this world, I didn't care about anything else. My only goal was to watch the scale slowly decline. My entire day and how I felt were relative to the number on the scale and whether it had gone down or not. I was obsessed. I didn't care about how disconnected I was from my kids or friends and family. I was too hungry, numb, and obsessed to care. I was terrified of gaining an ounce. When I finally reached my low point, the same people who had told me how wonderful I looked as I lost the weight were suddenly making comments that I had gone too far- I was too thin. But instead of logically convincing me that I had gone too far, they only made me feel like I was reaching my goal. I was thin. So thin that others thought I was too thin. And in our world obsessed with an obesity epidemic, Iknew that it was more acceptable to be too thin than a few pound overweight. My issue with control did play a part in my eating disorder, but not in the way that most people think. Until I was 30, I had never thought twice about my weight. I had never been on a diet or counted a calorie. I was happy!!! My happiness with my body had nothing to do with my size, but that all stopped as I was faced with the most difficult part of my life. As I lost weight, people commented on how great I looked. I began to realize that I was an overeater. I could eat a box of girl scout cookies or a whole pizza at one time. I had never tried to control myself. If I wanted it, I ate it. So then my eating disorder became the thing which helped me control that. And I was, and still am terrified of letting go of that control because I know that I won't be able to stop. And this time, the difference will be that I know I'm getting bigger. And that thought terrifies me! I know that I will never be the same. I will never be able to eat again without silently counting the calories in my head, thinking about how many calories I had already eaten, how long I still have to go before I go to sleep and how many more calories I will have to avoid. This is reality when living with an eating disorder. I will never enjoy food again. It will always be an evil that tempts me. I hate that! But no matter how much I hate it, I can't change. I refuse to change. That's why banning obviously anorexic people from the gym wouldn't work. They'd just find a way to do it somewhere else.
The other reason a poicy wouldn't work is because anorexics and indivduals with eating disorders are ingenious at covering it up. They would wear long pants and long sleeve shirts to hide under. If there were a required weigh in, they would drink water before going and wear weights on their ankles under their pants. There is no way to stop an anorexic from killing themselves. It is self motivated! The media doesn't cause eating disorders, they just give us the incentive and justification for our method of coping. We choose to look at models and others that the media depicts as beautiful to determine how close we are to perfection. And if we have surpassed their thinness, we are proud because being thinner means that we have accomplished something that few people can.
I still struggle with food and can't imagine a day that I won't. That makes me sad, but it is my reality. I am at a healthy weight now, but I struggle with that daily. When I got to my car today, after I finished working out, I cried. I wouldn't wish this for anyone and I know that the smaller the indivdual, the more pain they are avoiding. And I felt helpless, knowing that there was nothing I could do or say to change her chosen course. She would have to do that on her own.